Oh man, how on earth does this thing work?

Hey hey ladys and lads visiting my page! I don't mean to alarm you but I am a bit of a technical meatsack, hence my ugly colour choice and most likely confusing layout. I apologise but have no real intention of improving. Sorry.

If you were still under the impression that this page was an insight into the life and times of my travels in Chile, that I have to sadly dash your dreams of a hilarious tale of my incompetence- I'm back in NZ baby! However, seeing as I've had such a great response to my blog and since my theripist thinks it's a good way for me to share my thoughts (joke), I am going to continue this blog, most likely in a random fashion, with tales of day to day hilarious misunderstandings, annoyances, and general thoughts from out of the blue.

Enjoy, or don't, its your call.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

J K Rowling's new book: Ainsley Whitfield and Half-Blood Test. (A drama).

JK (pun), JKR has no new book. But I do. Well, a post, anyway.

It all started when I headed down to the doctors to get answers for some badgering questions; do I have hypochondria? Or am I just overreacting?? (lol).

Since I'd made the cross town trip, the good Doctor suggested I take a blood test for my troubles. Oh dear.

Now, I'm not the sort of gaaaal who is pathetic when it comes to pain. I have a stomach like an ox (is  that a saying?), and pierced my own ears in 4th form, listening to "Lose Yourself" by Eminem. I feel that it is clear from those examples that I am an exemplary form of a 'hard woman'. However, if there is one thing that I can't handle, it's blood. It's not my fault that I don't like it, it's really not. I'm not actively trying to dislike it, I don't have a death list of blood types that "MUST DIE!". It's just that when I see it, my head starts pounding, my eyes blur and probably roll back in my head like a mental, and my ears sound like an ambiance CD "Sleep Sounds; Song of the Ocean". I just can't handle it.

 But on this fine day, I was feeling confident. I decided on my 10 second walk down the hallway to the nurse's office that I wouldn't enlighten her on the debilitating effects of showing me my own blood. "And don't you pull any tricks, either" I said to my inner psyche"Just be cool, it's only blood".

I stroll in confidently and sit myself down.
"Alright, I'm just going to take some blood from your arm today" said the kind looking and also indian looking nurse.
"Does it matter which arm?" says I (as if there is a more premium supply running along one arm as opposed to the other).
"No, no, either will do!". Was I paranoid or did she sound a little too eager to be sucking the life-force from within my veins?

I'm determined not to end up withering around in my seat like a maddo, so I try to make light conversation as she performs her vampire act. "So where do you send the BLOOD?" (Somehow the word seemed louder than the rest of the sentence)
"Just down to our local lab"
"Oh that's nice, so not to far then?"
"No, not too far."
"Oh that's nice."

Once we had both agreed that it was nice that the local lab wasn't very far away, conversation dried up. Luckily for me, it had held just long enough to last through the test. I assumed, with a little arrogance, that me and my psyche had outwitted the BLOOD with our divert-and-distract strategy. It would appear I assumed wrongly.

"Just need to check a few details love" Indian Nurse said.

Inexplicably, in the next second, my eyes had drawn me like a magnet to the three lovely viles sitting on her tray. Full of my blood. "Bloody hell, she's leeched me dry!" I thought peevishly. I would have liked to think some more disgruntled, peevish thoughts, however my bod wasn't going to allow it. My psyche had seen the blood and was screaming "MISSION ABORT, MISSION ABORT" in such a loud voice that my bod had a panic and went for a cheeky shutdown. Fortunately the nurse didn't assume I was rehearsing some kind of spiritual interpretive dance, and my torso swaying/head rolling antics where quickly transitioned to a more seemly (or not) "Head between legs, stare at the ground" position. I stayed this way until I got bored and embarrassed (so not long then), and weakly stood up.
"I think I'm good to go" I said bravely, a lone soldier in the war on Blood Tests.
"If you're sure." She eyed me warily, howevs as I was last patient of the day, and she clearly didn't want to have to sit with me in the recovery position for the next hour, so I was released to pay my bill (lucky me).

Upon arrival to the front desk, I was gearing up to pay when suddenly, I was back to the old routine: eyes rolling, head twisting, shoulders slumping. I made it to a chair just in time. When I look back now, I see it would have been a perfect opportunity to make the call "Nurse! Nurse! Help! Somebody! We need a doctor in here!" but unfortunately all I could do was gurgle in a strange voice and try to lock eyes with the receptionist. "Can't you see I'm fainting here?" was the message I decided on trying to relay with my eyes. As luck would have it, Mrs Reception and a doc both noticed at the same time, and I was ushered towards the couch, where I was ordered to "LIE DOWN" and "PUT MY FEET UP!" (I'm fainting, not going deaf!). After my dramatic tumble onto the couch, I was dished out some jelly beans (3 whites and a pink, yuck!) and left for dead.

I was staring vaguely at the ceiling, wondering how my life had come to this (I was actually quiet enjoying it, see yesterday's post on Hypochondria), when a small man ,who looked like he was dressed to go fishing, and an even smaller dog (!) came shuffling past. Small Man peered down at me with a concerned (old) face, and then broke into a grin. "See you have another one after the jelly beans Mrs Receptionist!" he said. Needless to say, I was quiet offended by the remark, and considered saying something like "are you saying that I'm FAT?? That I came to the doctors to eat JELLYBEANS??" but instead went with "Yes, it's all an elaborate ploy to get free jellybeans, and you fell for it!". Small Man was pleased with this remark, but his cruel taunts weren't finished yet. "It's quiet normal you know. To faint after a blood test.". But I'm special! I thought. I glared at him haughtily, but he continued "you should build up your tolerance to it. Cutting your toenails close to the skin could do the trick". He cackled wickedly as he wandered off.

After being the subject of amusement and humiliation from a number of other medical staff; read "happens all the time" and "having a nice snooze??", I went back to the reception to pay my dues and get the hell out of this madhouse. While fumbling clumsily in my pockets for my EFTPOS card, Small Man suddenly appeared behind me. "Looking for this?" he waved my card in front of my face.
"Your like a magician" I remarked. A creepy magician.
"Kenneth, leave her alone!" Mrs Receptionist said sharply. Suddenly my angst towards Small Man disappeared, and was replaced with a warm association with my favourite pet. "My cat is called Kenneth! Captain Lieutenant Kenneth Adams" I exclaimed brightly. I meant it as a complement, but I think Kenneth sensed I was taking the piss, and regarded me suspiciously as I paid and made my exit.

So as I made my way back to the car (was the grass greener, or was I just excited I had made it out alive?), I pondered over my visit. I had been accosted by a vampire, fed free jellybeans, lay all over a couch like the Queen of Sheba, and entertained by a magician. "All in all", I thought " I haven't done too badly".

Love A xx

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